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Defining Love

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Hi Friends, Can you believe it's already September? These months have been flying past us and soon it'll be a whole new year. It's in these very fast-paced days that I've been trying to find the time to reflect on the things I've learnt and unlearnt over the past few months and years.  If you're someone who knows me, you'll know how deep I can get when it comes to life and the little things. The little things that aren't so little. Lately, I've had to redefine what love means to me. I feel like I'm still growing up and every time I think I know what it means for me, God throws me a situation that makes me break it down even further to discover it at its core.  It's been especially hard to go through these experiences when you've grown up with a distorted view of what love looks like. Again, I ask myself what does love look like? Freedom. Non-attachment. Acceptance. I hear these words being used so often. Easier said than done. I cringe wh
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Reflections on love, loss, and the role of dads

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Hey friends,

A whole year has passed since I last wrote (sorry!), and with it came a lot of changes, ups and downs, love and loss. There have been so many things I have been wanting to sit down and write about but the energy to actually get it done has been evading me. So, here I am, in bed at 00:44 am getting my thoughts out. 

For most of my adult years, I've always been of the mindset that if I wanted to have a child, I would, with or without having a husband. It wasn't until a few months ago that I realised the vital role a father truly plays in a child's life. Our fathers give us our identities, our sense of self-worth, and our sense of security.

This realisation came to me after facing my own discomfort in a relationship and talking with my closest friends and family members. I was extremely triggered by the way things were panning out. Mainly because I wasn't receiving the love I deserved in the way that I needed it, even after having several conversations surrounding my concerns and feelings, he just didn't have the emotional bandwidth that I needed. My nervous system was a wreck. 

I was so mad at myself for putting myself out there and taking a risk but when everything ended and I started seeing everything from an objective perspective, my compassion and empathy kicked in. He missed out on those vital moments with his father because he lost him at a very young and innocent age. Yes, there were many other male figures in his life that played a father-figure role, however, not everyone can be a dad. 

"Anyone can be a father, but it takes someone special to be a dad"

In the same way that he lost his father, mine was emotionally absent for most of my childhood and even though I have always had the best relationship with him, I wasn't reassured of my worth as a young girl. I'd never been able to always let go of a relationship with grace and ease, especially if there were lies involved. I was always the person who metaphorically "poked the bear" and tried to prove my worth to people who never valued me in the first place. Having a conversation with my cousin made us realise that the reason for this was that I hadn't forgiven my own dad. If you saw the relationship I have with my dad you would never think that I needed to forgive him for anything. I LOVE that man with my whole heart.

I didn't know that I needed to forgive him for anything. It was something that was sitting there, in my subconscious and playing out in my adult relationships. I needed to forgive and accept my dad for not being the dad I needed when it came to instilling the type of confidence and self-worth that would have laid the foundation and standard for all of my relationships going forward.

This is now my journey with myself on a MUCH deeper level than I expected. I have to also remind myself that my Heavenly Father is perfect and let go of the injured parts of the relationship with my dad that were never known until now. It definitely brought up all kinds of emotions but I'm thankful for the experience because without it I don't think I would have ever found out. 

And now we heal.

With Love,

Pran


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