Defining Love

Hi Friends,

Can you believe it's already September? These months have been flying past us and soon it'll be a whole new year. It's in these very fast-paced days that I've been trying to find the time to reflect on the things I've learnt and unlearnt over the past few months and years. 

If you're someone who knows me, you'll know how deep I can get when it comes to life and the little things. The little things that aren't so little. Lately, I've had to redefine what love means to me. I feel like I'm still growing up and every time I think I know what it means for me, God throws me a situation that makes me break it down even further to discover it at its core. 

It's been especially hard to go through these experiences when you've grown up with a distorted view of what love looks like. Again, I ask myself what does love look like? Freedom. Non-attachment. Acceptance. I hear these words being used so often. Easier said than done. I cringe when I think about the situations I haven't been able to practice because my nervous system was so dysregulated.

We frame our reality by our past experiences and if we don't learn from them we can let the bad ones ruin the future. My mind goes back to the scene from The Lion King where Rafiki tells Simba how you can either run from it or learn from it. I feel blessed to know that I'm someone who can acknowledge my bad habits and take the time to rewire them out of my system (after panicking my way through it). Because how long will you prolong the best version of yourself, really? It's exhausting.

I've discovered the reason why I fall into a pit of anxiety when it comes to relationships is that there comes a point where I start reacting from a place of emotional dysregulation. For whatever reason, there are triggers that get me to this place, and instead of taking space or pausing, my nervous system sees this as a threat and starts responding as if I'm in a fight/flight situation. That's not the real me. It's the survival mode in me.

It's the little girl who used these coping mechanisms to survive the situation she was in when she faced it. She's what got me this far. I'm so grateful for her but sadly, she can't stay any longer. As we navigate the labyrinth of our emotions, let's remember that sometimes, our old selves need a gracious send-off like a retiree getting a gold watch, the self that is now self-sabotaging relationships, the self that cautions you and keeps you small, the self that stops you from evolving far beyond you or anyone has ever thought you could be? That's when we have to compassionately and gracefully say goodbye.

I wish I could say it was as simple as learning what someone's love language is but it's so much more than that. We all come with a frame of reference and a whole lot of unprocessed feelings. Some we don't even know we have until we're in a situation that triggers it and now we have to be kind to the unkind when your entire body is yelling at you that it's an injustice. How then do we define love? By removing the act of taking it personally, perhaps? 

I read 1 Corinthians 13 again. It's a humbling verse as you get older. The words stand out, solid and pure. What a thing to be human, because nothing says "adulting" like revisiting ancient texts for life advice. 

With love, laughter, and a touch of overthinking,

Pran